Jokes, Jokes, tell me Jokes.

[Tom Flapwell]

John, I've seen a longer version that included the following:

-Liberace never used his on women.

-Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

-Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his.

-We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

[osprey]

Here's a riddle:

Arnold Schwarznegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Modanna doesn't have one.

The pope has one but doesn't use his.

Bill Clinton uses his all the time.

What is it?
?
?
?

A last name! Were you thinking something else?

wow that's really good. i was thinking of something long, hard and straight with white stuff coming out of it. too much detail?

No sh*t sherlock.

[MuffinSticks]

Here's a riddle:

Arnold Schwarznegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Modanna doesn't have one.

The pope has one but doesn't use his.

Bill Clinton uses his all the time.

What is it?
?
?
?

A last name! Were you thinking something else?

wow that's really good. i was thinking of something long, hard and straight with white stuff coming out of it. too much detail?

No sh*t sherlock.

I GET IT!

[Segovia]

It was little Johnny's birthday and Everybody was happy for him. As soon as everybody left little johnny went upstairs to the bathroom were his mom was taking a shower.

he asked his mom, "mom, can I take a shower with you?" No! replied his mom. "But it's my birthday." Ok responded the mom but don't look up or down.
Out of couriosity he looked up and said," Mommy! What are those? "Those are um... my headlights.
OK said little johnny. Then he looked down and said, "Mommy, what is that?!" "That is uh... my bush." "OK" said little johnny.

A couple of hours later little johnny's dad was taking a shower and little johnny asked "Dad can I take a shower with you?" No! responded the dad. "But it's my birthday" repleid little johnny. OK, but don't look down" said the dad. Out of couriosity johnny looked down and said "Daddy! What is that?!"
The dad said, "that's uh.. my snake." OK said little johnny.

Later that night little johnny came from his room and went to his parents room. He said " Mom, Dad, can I sleep in your bed? THe parents stated that it would be okay if he didn't look under the covers. Sure enough little johnny looked under the sheets and screamed "Mommy quick turn on your headlights! Daddy's snake is lurking in your bush!"

[LewisTheTank]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

[Segovia]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

That's an old one.

[MuffinSticks]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

That's an old one.

If I haven't heard it, it's new to me! In fact I haven't and I lulled.
You guys might have heard this one. Apparently it's also old.

Why do black people only have nightmares?


Because the last one that had a dream got shot 8D

[Segovia]

A doctor felt guilty for having sex with one of his patients. One voice in his head said "It's ok, lots of doctors have sex with their patients." Another voice said, "You sick f@#k! You're a vet!"

[Segovia]

One day at Sunday school a teacher asked her class Where do you think Jesus is?

Little Sally said "He's in heaven." Good answer repleid the teacher.

Little Joey said, "He's in our hearts." "Also a good answer repleid the Teacher.

Then Little Johnny said, "I know! He's in our Bathroom! "Why would he be in your bathroom?" asked the teacher.

"Because everyday when my dad wakes up, he bangs on our bathroom door and says,'Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?

[Segovia]

Here is a couple of Chuck Norris Jokes that my friend Nestor told me that I thought were good:

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups. He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris went to Burger King, ordered a Big Mac and got one!

Chuck Norris Doesn't love Raymond

In the beginning there was nothing until Chuck Norris Round House Kicked that nothing and said get off your lazy butt!

There a whole lot of them on the internet just google chuck norris.

[Segovia]

On the eve of a couples anniversery, the wife said to her husband did he get her anything? Puzzled the husband said no. The furious wife told here husband that there better be something on her driveway tomarrow that could go 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. The husband went to the local bar to think over what his wife would want. The next morning the husband left for work early and left his present in the driveway. The wife woke up and looked outside the window to see a wrapped box. Puzzled the wife went outside to see what was inside the box. She bent over and unwrapped the box. Inside was a bathroom scale. The husband was never seen again.

[Segovia]

When you read every line respond by saying "I'm a man"

You go to a bar.

You see a attractive girl.

You buy her a couple of drinks.

She asks you to drive her to her apartment.

You drive here to her apartment.

She asks you to come inside.

You make love to her.

She whispers in your ear.

[MuffinSticks]

On the eve of a couples anniversery, the wife said to her husband did he get her anything? Puzzled the husband said no. The furious wife told here husband that there better be something on her driveway tomarrow that could go 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. The husband went to the local bar to think over what his wife would want. The next morning the husband left for work early and left his present in the driveway. The wife woke up and looked outside the window to see a wrapped box. Puzzled the wife went outside to see what was inside the box. She bent over and unwrapped the box. Inside was a bathroom scale. The husband was never seen again.

I just heard that one yesterday =D

[Segovia]

When a mathimatician, a scientist, and a idiot made it to the pearly gates; they were met by St. Peter and the devil.

ST. Peter explained to them that there was a limited amount of space in heaven so in order to gain access they had to trick the devil.

The Mathimatician gave the devil a complex equation and told the devil to solve. The devil solved the problem with ease and the mathematician went to hell.

The Scientist gave the devil a complicted formula and told the devil to solve it. Again the devil solved it with ease and the scientist went to hell.

The idiot told the devil to give him a chair and drill nine holes in it. The devil did as he was told and gave him a chair with nine holes. The idiot farted on the chair and asked the devil to tell him which hole did it came out of. The devil sniffed the chair and pointed to a hole in the middle. The idiot said no and said that it came out of his butthole.

So the idiot went to heaven

[osprey]

On the eve of a couples anniversery, the wife said to her husband did he get her anything? Puzzled the husband said no. The furious wife told here husband that there better be something on her driveway tomarrow that could go 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. The husband went to the local bar to think over what his wife would want. The next morning the husband left for work early and left his present in the driveway. The wife woke up and looked outside the window to see a wrapped box. Puzzled the wife went outside to see what was inside the box. She bent over and unwrapped the box. Inside was a bathroom scale. The husband was never seen again.

I just heard that one yesterday =D

Security guy at work told me that one last week lol.