Segovia's Art Work (w/ General Discussion ) Thread

[MuffinSticks]

It seems accurate enough.

[Segovia]

I had to get it from Urban Dictionary.

[Dr. Sticks]

while true to an extent, they're not proper ways to define either

[Segovia]

while true to an extent, they're not proper ways to define either

It's just like it I was to ask anyone of yall.

[Baconsticks]

I thought it meant "Mom" or "Dam" in Finnish.

[Segovia]

Some more O&M Art I did about three days ago and decided to share it.

[MuffinSticks]

Oh hey Segovia. Just thought I'd drop by. Hey, by the way, I'm making a little somethin somethin for you. It'll be done in exactly one week. Hope you like it.

[Segovia]

Thanks for stopping by. It better be that emo T-shirt. I still want to see it for reals.

[MuffinSticks]

It's going to be a virtual present.

[Segovia]

Oh goodie.

[Segovia]

I'm kind of trying to improve my writing right now, so here's a sample of some side projects. http://bsinklings.deviantart.com/art/RE ... -124073310

[gforce422]

I read through it, and thought it was fairly good.
Constructive criticism time.
When writing any piece, you need to make sure that the past, present, and future tenses line up. For example, you wrote:

She undressed and slips into her shower.

The word undressed is past tense, meaning that the undressing happened sometime in the past. The next word, slips, however, indicates that she is currently slipping, which is not the case, as you indicated in the beginning of the sentence that you are writing in the past tense. The word should be changed to slipped to keep the perspective in the past tense. The whole quote should look something like this; the words I have changed are in bold:

Rebecca walked back upstairs and into her bedroom’s shower. She undressed and slipped into her shower. As she bathed she dozed off while standing. All of a sudden the violent images of darkness, evil, and the paralyzing emotion of terror over came her body and jerked her out of her trance. She shook off the images and continued to bathe.

[datherman]

I have to ask: why do you use << >> for dialog and "" for mental thoughts rather than the other way around? Perhaps in Spanish literature that's the standard, but if you're going to be writing in English for a primarily English-speaking audience, it might be worth changing it for the sake of readability.

As gforce said, you really need to work on keeping everything in the same tense. It's a very very easy mistake to make, but also a very distracting one to read. My rule of thumb is to make almost all of my verbs in the past tense unless doing something special like a figure of speech or something like that. Luckily this is generally a very easy fix, though you may need to rework a sentence or two to keep the overall flow.

Going between scenes 2 and 3, you could probably use an actual transition rather than "oh hey new scene here".

<< Oh sure, Ms. Attorney who works 9-5 on Monday through Friday is far to busy to at least step into a restaurant. >>

This seems a bit awkward, and I think it's because it's trying too hard to stuff description of Rebecca's life down the reader's throat. I think something like this would flow better: "Oh sure, as if Ms. Nine-to-Five-at-the-Attorney's-Office is too busy to step foot inside a restaurant now and then." Actually, the fact that she works as an attorney probably doesn't even belong here, so just "Ms. Nine-To-Five" would work, or "Ms. Forty-Hour-Workweek" etc. Also work on "to" "too" "two" usage.

The idea that she doesn't have fun because she doesn't like fancy ice cream is kinda half-baked. Might want to get a better example.

All in all, it's a decent start in terms of characterization. Not seeing too much plot progression, but at less than a thousand words that's to be expected. Keep working on it.

[Segovia]

Thank you guys for the suggestions. Gforce, I'll make those corrections ASAP and to Dantherman, I guess I use quotation marks for thoughts because I'm so used to using them while I write comics. Plus, yeah I kind of saw <<>> for dialouge in my spanish workbook so I kind of took that idea. Also, yeah I know there isn't that much plot progression in this chapter. I don't plan to do that until Chapter 2, which is still incomplete.

[nickspoon]

«» marks (guillemets) are not used in standard English typesetting to indicate speech. They are a feature of other European languages. What I would suggest is that you use single quotation marks (') to indicate speech, double quotation marks (") to indicate quotation within speech, and italics or single quotations with verbal indication for thought. That seems to be standard practice.